Urban Dictionary
by sherlockian4evr
Summary: Flashfics based on random words/phrases from Urban Dictionary.
1. Bum Fuck Egypt

Urban Dictionary: Bum Fuck Egypt

The middle of fucking nowhere.

I missed a turn and ended up in Bum Fuck Egypt.

* * *

It happened on the way back from Baskerville, they got a flat tyre. It was announced by it's telltale thump, thump, thumping. Sherlock pulled over to the side of the road with a scowl on his face.

"Great. Wonderful," Sherlock spat. "We're stranded in the middle of Bum Fuck Egypt. It has to be Mycroft's fault."

John was grateful he wasn't sipping the nonexistant cup of tea he had been longing for. If he had been, he would surely have spit it everywhere. "You just said 'Bum Fuck Egypt.' You, Sherlock Holmes. Oh, my God." He burst out laughing.

"What?"

"You don't do that, swear, I mean."

"Just because you haven't observed a thing, doesn't eliminate it as a possibility."

"Oh, is that a corollary to the 'Once you eliminate the impossible' thingy?"

"Obviously."

"Right." John scuffed the tarmac with his shoe. "Now what?"

Sherlock quirked an impatient smile. "You change the tyre."

John grimaced. "Of course."


	2. Caps Lock Voice

Urban Dictionary: Caps Lock Voice

When a normally calm person has to raise their voice and use an authortative tone. It is the equivalent to using the caps lock key in the digital world.

Sara tried to get an attitude with me yesterday and I had to turn on my caps lock voice and put her in check.

Chris was being run over at work, so Jason told him it was time to turn on his caps lock voice.

* * *

"SHERLOCK HOMES, YOU COMPLETE WANKER!" John crossed Lestrade's office and backed his flatmate into a corner, somehow managing to loom over the man that was a good 6" taller than him.

Greg coughed uncomfortably. "I'll just wait out in the hall." He stepped out the door and pulled it shut behind him. The blinds were pulled shut, so the other two men were hidden from the eyes of the officers out in the squad room. The DI glanced around and, finding himself unobserved, peeked through a thin slit that the blinds didn't cover.

"John…" Sherlock tried to get a word in edgewise to no avail.

"AND," John continued the rant he had begun, "I HAVE HALF A MIND TO PUT YOU OVER MY KNEE LIKE THE SPOILED BRAT TODDLER THAT YOU ARE."

Greg bit the edge of his hand to keep from laughing outright.

Inside the DI's office, Sherlock tried to interrupt the doctor again, "But, John…"

Sally came up beside her boss and raised her eyebrow in question. "What's going on," she mouthed silently.

"YOU WILL APPOLOGISE, MISTER. GREG DIDN'T DESERVE THAT, NEITHER DID THE REST OF HIS TEAM. YOU'D STILL BE STUCK UP THAT TREE WITH A DOBERMAN AFTER YOU IF IT WEREN'T FOR THEM."

"Oh!" Sally peeked through another crack in the blinds.

Anderson walked by and Sally snagged him by the arm pointing at Greg's office and grinning. Three officers became four, then five. Before long, there was a small crowd jostling for position.

John paced the room, his rant building momentum. Abruptly, he turned and jerked open the door.

Greg fell into the office, Sally and Anderson and the rest of the officers landing atop him. He painted a sheepish smile on his face and waved up at the doctor from the bottom of the pile. "Hiya, John. We were just…"

The doctor stepped pointedly over the tangle of officers, pausing to look down at the DI. "Really?" He shook his head in irritation. "Do I need to have a talk with the lot of you?"

They all flinched. They didn't want to fall victim to John's caps lock voice.


	3. Snakemeal

Urban Dictionary: Snakemeal

One extremely large meal consumed in a day as opposed to the standard three.

"I generally don't wake up hungry, but when I do get around to eating it ends up becoming a snakemeal."

* * *

Sherlock stretches the definition!

* * *

Sherlock held the door open for John, then swept into the restaurant behind him. The detective was fairly glowing with self-congratulatory pride. He had solved the latest case and he had been incandescent.

"Sherlock, John, welcome." Angelo greeted them enthusiastically.

The detective dropped into a chair. "I'm famished tonight, Angelo."

With a clap of his hands, the restauranteur grinned. "You've just solved a case, then."

"Yes," John confirmed, "and he was absolutely brilliant. Of course, he hasn't eaten for days."

"Don't worry, Doctor Watson, I know just what to do." Angelo left, going into the kitchen. When he came back, he was carrying a tray. He put a plate in front of each man, then he set down a large basket of buttered garlic bread, a huge salad and two bowls of minestrone.

Sherlock dove in, devouring his salad. John sat down his fork to watch. He had never seen the detective willingly eat anything green.

"What?" Sherlock looked at the doctor questioningly.

John laughed and picked his fork back up. "Nothing. Nothing at all."

Angelo came back with another tray and a similarly laden waiter behind him. He filled every surface of the table with food: lasagna, spaghetti, alfredo, manicotti and another basket of bread for good measure. To add the final touch, he set a chocolate cake in the one remaining empty space. "Enjoy your snakemeal, Sherlock."

The detective hummed an acknowledgement, his mouth full.

For his part, John sat there, completely flabbergasted, as the food slowly disappeared. "I... Sherlock... bloody hell, but that was amazing!"

Sherlock wiped the corner of his mouth as he tried to supress a tiny burp. "I was hungry, John."

"Obviously. What now?"

"Now, John, we go home, I sleep for two days and when I wake up we shag like bunnies to make up for lost time."

The doctor smiled. "You nutter." As they left the restaurant, John muttered, "We need to stop off at Tesco."

Sherlock rolled his eyes. "Why?"

John grinned. "I need vitamins and lots of lube. I have a feeling we might need it."

Chuckling, Sherlock wrapped his arm around his doctor. "We might, indeed."


End file.
